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Old 10-08-2009, 01:55 PM   #1
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Default What you need to know about tools......

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it
smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had
carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light.
Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in less time than it takes you to say, "Oh, shit!"

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked,
unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can
also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire.
Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race..

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes,
trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces
that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil
cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable
screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the
most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly
well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts.
Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while being worn.

Son of a b*tch TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "Son of a bitch" at the top of your lungs.
It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
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Old 10-09-2009, 03:57 AM   #2
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Originally Posted by robmob View Post
Son of a b*tch TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "Son of a bitch" at the top of your lungs.
It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

I ordered an entire set of those :)
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Old 10-09-2009, 08:17 AM   #3
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I like it.

I was at my Moms house doing some handyman stuff a year or so back. I told here I needed a Phillips head screwdriver. She asked is that a "Steak Knife" or a "Butter Knife"?
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Old 10-09-2009, 01:25 PM   #4
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Lmao... Hahaha
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Old 10-13-2009, 06:41 PM   #5
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I'll be rotflmao over this for days, Thanks...
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Old 05-26-2010, 09:11 PM   #6
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Default Tools

You cant drink and drive, but you can get sh*tfaced and fix your own brakes....
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Old 06-21-2010, 02:54 AM   #7
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Socket Set: Shiny pieces of metal that are kept prisoner in a tool box until they are set free, and try to escape after they shrink to be too small to fit over that bolt you were working on, and are put down out of sight.

WD-40/PB Blaster - the standard cologne of people that have tackled a job that is out of their league.
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